As I get closer to my third trimester I am beginning to feel generally afraid. I'm afraid of being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and the complications and annoyances that would case. I'm afraid of being HUGE and still weighing over two hundred pounds six weeks after the baby has come. Depression and anxiety run in my family and I am growing increasingly fearful of developing some serious postpartum depression when I am alone in my distant home in the dead of winter with a helpless infant.
The needless crying seems to have picked up, though admittedly when I cry I tend to think I have a legitimate reason, like when I accidentally spilled my husband's old plastic toy piano out of the basket of toys I had just carried upstairs from the basement and it crashed down every single step and ended up with a key about to snap off. I'm still upset about that, actually.
In other news, my body image is in the toilet and probably will be for the rest of the pregnancy and the first few months after.
This particular post almost didn't happen, and these negative feelings are why. I didn't want to share them and have others be annoyed with my whining or feel sorry for me. So let me emphasize this: I am NOT looking for any sort of reassurance or compliments regarding how I look, reminders that I'm nourishing the baby inside me and that's what is most important, or diet and exercise advice. Because -- sorry to be a downer -- they don't help. I'm super hormonal and decided to just let the hormones take over this post.
Still, maybe some other pregnant lady in the world will do a Google search of "I'm pregnant and I feel fat and ugly," find this, relate, and feel better.
I appreciate this post because it's real. Pregnancy and babies are not all love and fluff and it's dangerous to assume it's all happy times and butterflies. You are loved and I want to come out there soon and spend time with you. Even if it's the dead of winter when that happens.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Molly.